We want freedom of speech
But we all talking at the same time
We say we want peace
But nobody wants to change their own mind
And it goes on and on and on
For a thousand years
What language are your tears?
Everybody wants to live the life of kings and queens
But nobody want to stay and plow the fields
Everybody want to tell their neighbors how to live
But nobody wants to list to how they feel
And it goes on and on and on
For a thousand years
What language are your tears?
But what I dot to say right now no more time is
Is your love enough, is your love enough, is your love enough?
Or could you love some more?
And it goes on and on and on
For a thousand years
What language are your tears?
What language do you cry in?
What language do you dance in?
What language do you make romance in?
What language do you make love in?
What language to do you pray to the Above in?
What language are your fears?
What language are your tears?
I currently have a post on www.mormonmentality.org titled "Choose Ye This Day" (I posted it here on this blog too) I credit this song (Michael Franti & Spearhead) for prompting my thoughts.
"Everybody wants to tell their neighbors how to live
But nobody wants to listen to how they feel"
There you have it. What more needs to be said?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
TO DO LIST...
I thought I would take on simple little project today. I would hand write letters to some folks I haven't heard from in ages. The first person on my list, Liz, is a piece of cake. No matter how long we are apart, it's like we saw each other last week. I think we have a cosmic connection. Despite our totally different personalities and totally different approach to life, we connect on a spiritual level that has sustained us for nearly 10 years. We are like family.
Second on my list, Sabrina. This would be a bit more difficult because I hardly know her or her family and we haven't spoken in nearly seven years. She sent me a card with a picture of her family and I thought I should say hello, if only to be "polite."
As I was looking at her family picture, a co-worker asked me "who's that?"
"My sister"
"You have a sister?"
"Yeah, I do. We don't really know each other."
Another co-worker, walking up the stairs, said incredulously, "You have a sister? You've never mentioned her."
As I stare at the stranger in the picture, I realized several things. I have been getting cards and pictures from her for years and this is the first time I ever really looked at the people in the envelope. It was also the first time I realized that I had a niece. A beautiful, adorable niece that might want know me.
My mom married Tim in the early 80's and soon came Sabrina. I was about nine when she came into this world. We looked nothing alike; she with light hair and fair skin, la guera, and I, the very chubby brownish kid with dark hair. We were years apart and it wasn't long before abuse followed by divorce decided how much of each other we would get to know. She moved away with her dad and I stayed with my mom and we both went on to live different and separate lives. Sure, there was the occasional visit but it was strained at best. There was so much drama on both sides of our lives, we were young and estranged, how could we find a safe place to connect?
After my divorce, I got busy being a mom and working and schooling that I didn't really give her a second thought, except on the 30th of June each year. Sure, I would have liked our relationship to be more but I didn't make the effort. Presumably, because I was a single mom or because we didn't know each other, or because she's married and has her own family, or because she lives in another state....because...so many reasons and looking back, not one of them is good enough.
All my life, I have wanted to belong to a family. I desperately wanted to fit into my mom's family and that never happened. I had wonderful aunts and a grandma to step in and care for me but they had their own children and lives to live.
I am now 33 years old. I am a mother to a 13 year old girl. After years abuse, and the ensuing drama, I am happily married to the greatest man I have ever known. I have a nice home, in a nice neighborhood. I have--a happy family, a good life. And now I have time?
It's such a shame that a casual question by a work associate has reminded me that I had family all along. I had a sister. What a wonderful gift. I had someone that I could have shared my life with and yet, I was too busy?
My god, the regret and shame I feel at this moment. I belong to a church that values family second to God and I am just now getting that? All those years I longed for something I already had. I could have been there for the birth of her daughter. Her wedding. I could have shared those really great moments in her life. I could have been there for the really bad ones.
My sister is now 24. I'm told she is happily married and a mother to a daughter who's name escapes me at this very moment.
Is it too late to become her older sister? To get to know her and connect?
Is it too late to become family?
Second on my list, Sabrina. This would be a bit more difficult because I hardly know her or her family and we haven't spoken in nearly seven years. She sent me a card with a picture of her family and I thought I should say hello, if only to be "polite."
As I was looking at her family picture, a co-worker asked me "who's that?"
"My sister"
"You have a sister?"
"Yeah, I do. We don't really know each other."
Another co-worker, walking up the stairs, said incredulously, "You have a sister? You've never mentioned her."
As I stare at the stranger in the picture, I realized several things. I have been getting cards and pictures from her for years and this is the first time I ever really looked at the people in the envelope. It was also the first time I realized that I had a niece. A beautiful, adorable niece that might want know me.
My mom married Tim in the early 80's and soon came Sabrina. I was about nine when she came into this world. We looked nothing alike; she with light hair and fair skin, la guera, and I, the very chubby brownish kid with dark hair. We were years apart and it wasn't long before abuse followed by divorce decided how much of each other we would get to know. She moved away with her dad and I stayed with my mom and we both went on to live different and separate lives. Sure, there was the occasional visit but it was strained at best. There was so much drama on both sides of our lives, we were young and estranged, how could we find a safe place to connect?
After my divorce, I got busy being a mom and working and schooling that I didn't really give her a second thought, except on the 30th of June each year. Sure, I would have liked our relationship to be more but I didn't make the effort. Presumably, because I was a single mom or because we didn't know each other, or because she's married and has her own family, or because she lives in another state....because...so many reasons and looking back, not one of them is good enough.
All my life, I have wanted to belong to a family. I desperately wanted to fit into my mom's family and that never happened. I had wonderful aunts and a grandma to step in and care for me but they had their own children and lives to live.
I am now 33 years old. I am a mother to a 13 year old girl. After years abuse, and the ensuing drama, I am happily married to the greatest man I have ever known. I have a nice home, in a nice neighborhood. I have--a happy family, a good life. And now I have time?
It's such a shame that a casual question by a work associate has reminded me that I had family all along. I had a sister. What a wonderful gift. I had someone that I could have shared my life with and yet, I was too busy?
My god, the regret and shame I feel at this moment. I belong to a church that values family second to God and I am just now getting that? All those years I longed for something I already had. I could have been there for the birth of her daughter. Her wedding. I could have shared those really great moments in her life. I could have been there for the really bad ones.
My sister is now 24. I'm told she is happily married and a mother to a daughter who's name escapes me at this very moment.
Is it too late to become her older sister? To get to know her and connect?
Is it too late to become family?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
CHOOSE YE THIS DAY...
I am fascinated by the idea that removing the bad things in life will somehow make better people.
like.... not selling alcohol in stores--only in approved state run locations.
the prohibition of some adult novelties
or the desire for some groups to ban adult films in a certain Church members hotel chain.
Good grief! When did being Mormon mean being mommy and daddy to the world?
I get it. We are a light unto the world, blah blah blah. --we, individuals, Christians are the light unto the world.
Satan sought to take away our freedom to choose. His plan was to remove all of the bad stuff too, and was rejected by our Father in Heaven for a more appropriate plan-- agency.
I can't help but feel that some persons in this church have the idea that we have the truth so we have to force everyone else to live our truth as well.
When will we allow our brothers and sisters of the world to be big boys and girls and choose for themselves what actions and behaviors they deem appropriate for themselves and their families?
There are obvious exclusions for murder, incest etc. And of course, when personal freedoms infringe on the rights and liberties of others but those examples are the extreme and not what I am talking about.
I believe that vice serves a purpose and however trite this will sound, without it we cannot value virtues.
I believe many need to fall away from the Lord. I believe that is part of the great plan. Often, lives must be destroyed, only to to be built up again. Stronger and perhaps different. Different from what we expected.
Trying to invoke morality by prohibition isn't the answer. There must be opposition in all things....and yet, we are trying to remove the opposition and in turn take away agency.
For the sake of all of our spiritual well being, choose YE this day for whom you will serve and let the next guy do likewise.
like.... not selling alcohol in stores--only in approved state run locations.
the prohibition of some adult novelties
or the desire for some groups to ban adult films in a certain Church members hotel chain.
Good grief! When did being Mormon mean being mommy and daddy to the world?
I get it. We are a light unto the world, blah blah blah. --we, individuals, Christians are the light unto the world.
Satan sought to take away our freedom to choose. His plan was to remove all of the bad stuff too, and was rejected by our Father in Heaven for a more appropriate plan-- agency.
I can't help but feel that some persons in this church have the idea that we have the truth so we have to force everyone else to live our truth as well.
When will we allow our brothers and sisters of the world to be big boys and girls and choose for themselves what actions and behaviors they deem appropriate for themselves and their families?
There are obvious exclusions for murder, incest etc. And of course, when personal freedoms infringe on the rights and liberties of others but those examples are the extreme and not what I am talking about.
I believe that vice serves a purpose and however trite this will sound, without it we cannot value virtues.
I believe many need to fall away from the Lord. I believe that is part of the great plan. Often, lives must be destroyed, only to to be built up again. Stronger and perhaps different. Different from what we expected.
Trying to invoke morality by prohibition isn't the answer. There must be opposition in all things....and yet, we are trying to remove the opposition and in turn take away agency.
For the sake of all of our spiritual well being, choose YE this day for whom you will serve and let the next guy do likewise.
Gracious Hosts
Seriously! What is the point in having a personal blog? "everyone else has one?" That is precisely the problem, the blogsphere is saturated with the personal musings of nobodies like myself. Really, who cares that I don't like watering my lawn in the middle of August?
If it isn't obvious, my lack of talent in the writing department is fueling this rant. My inability to trust what I have written and actually "post" is also a major contributor to my frustration today.
The reality is that without blogging, my light would be dim. Without blogging, I wouldn't have the opportunity to publicly call "bullshit" on folks when they are acting like idiots. The world that once revolved around me, has undergone a major remodel and has room for everyone now. Thanks to blogging, my workday has meaning. And most importantly, without blogging, I wouldn't have developed a wonderful group of friends with whom life as a latter day saint seems doable.
So here goes a public "Thank You" to all of those folks out there that generously let me take up space on their blogs and have gone out of their way to let me know they're listening to lil ol me.
If it isn't obvious, my lack of talent in the writing department is fueling this rant. My inability to trust what I have written and actually "post" is also a major contributor to my frustration today.
The reality is that without blogging, my light would be dim. Without blogging, I wouldn't have the opportunity to publicly call "bullshit" on folks when they are acting like idiots. The world that once revolved around me, has undergone a major remodel and has room for everyone now. Thanks to blogging, my workday has meaning. And most importantly, without blogging, I wouldn't have developed a wonderful group of friends with whom life as a latter day saint seems doable.
So here goes a public "Thank You" to all of those folks out there that generously let me take up space on their blogs and have gone out of their way to let me know they're listening to lil ol me.
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